Cruel tutelage

"So my pathetic friend...

is there anything that

you can do well?"



- Pai Mei





Want to hear something interesting?



Once upon a time someone (who SHALT remain nameless) offered to pay

me quite a hefty sum of the green stuff in exchange for me flying

out to where they live and personally (in their house!) teaching

them the mysteries of the "Settle" way of writing emails.



Of course, I declined.



No, not because of my reclusive ways.



(Some price tags override even my introversion...)



But for fear of their safety.



You see, I'm from the "Pai Mei" school of teaching.



You know who he is, right?



He was the old kung fu master in the movie "Kill Bill" -- a

merciless man who took great pleasure in humiliating his students

via mockery, physical pain and psychological torture.



And like him, my attitude would be I'm NOT your "coach."



Or even your "mentor."



I'm your MASTER.



I PWN you.



Your hand is MY hand -- and would type what I tell it to, your

brain is MY brain -- and would think what I say.



It would NOT be fun for a student.



Oh just the opposite!



It'd be intolerable.



And, in many ways, inhumane.



Frankly...



The physical writing training combined with my psychological

torture (via mockery, shame and sheer cruelty) would have you

waking up in the middle of the night (sleeping on the hard floor,

of course) making typing motions with your fingers. In fact, just

like Beatrix in "Kill Bill", your fingers would be so broken from

all the typing and writing... you would not even be able to eat

with utensils.



And if you tried eating with your fingers?



I'd toss your food on the ground and tell you:



"If you want to eat like a dog,

you can live and sleep outside

like a dog. If you want to live

and sleep like a human, pick

up that fork!"



Yes!!!



Just like Pai Mei did!



It would be SO much fun for me.



But for you?



Hell on earth.



Heck, my cruel tutelage would probably violate several articles of

the geneva convention.



Do you see now why I don't take coaching students?



Why I stay home?



And why I instead urge people to subscribe to my "Email Players"

newsletter for ongoing training?



Mine is a SWELL ship for the captain.



But a HELL ship for the crew.



So y'all are better off with the newsletter:



http://www.EmailPlayers.com



Ben Settle



P.S. Many thanks to all ye who pointed out my embarrassing error

last Friday (when I said "Johnny" Dangerfield, instead of Rodney

Dangerfield... yikes).



I guess it's true.



He really doesn't get no respect...









Ben Settle

Email Specialist

Settle, LLC

www.BenSettle.com



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